Life, Death and Rebirth

   Sigh, I admit, I do still fall into bouts of sadness here and there.  Our family recently lost a great man.  He was eighty years old, sixty of those years married.  He has children and grandchildren.  He was involved with the community.  Now, just days before Christmas, with his passing, I'm sure the family is thinking of another loss.  The loss of a great woman, who was a great-grandmother, grandmother and mother, on Christmas day, ten years ago.  See, holidays and death.
  Selfishly, today, as I was looking at our Christmas tree, I was overcome with sadness.  Partly, because this is a funeral we will not be able to attend, and say goodbye.  And because it reminds me that we didn't have any type of memorial for our unborn infant, that we lost last year.
 I feel robbed of a proper goodbye.
 I feel robbed, of not having a first ornament on our tree, or a new one this year.
 I feel robbed of not having a newborn picture on the wall, next to the other boys.


  Over the past year, I have gone through the stages of grief.  I truly believe that losing a child, is different.  Especially an infant.  Because there are so many "what ifs", and dates that are missed.  This is a nice write up on the different stages of infant grief.  My life is no longer, "on hold", I live.  there are times I've wondered if I have become stronger.  I believe having to take care of my other children, forced me at times to put away my grief, so I could be there for them.  I have a responsibility to them, as well as my husband.
 Yet, also to myself.  I've had to set aside time for me.  What people seem to forget the most, are the certain dates after losing a child, that sneak up on you.  Due dates, birthdays, holidays.  All the firsts are hard.  I barely survived last Christmas.  My family was in shambles.  I had completely shut down my grief last Christmas, so I didn't have to deal with it.
 So, perhaps this year, it is a little more precise and clear.
 It hurts.
 I feel like I'm suffocating some times.
That my heart and soul are crumbling.
 My head tells me that financially, it is stupid to want another child.  My head tells me that our family needs to be strong again, and that my husband doesn't want another child anyhow.
 But my heart, my heart craves a baby.  I have dreams every so often, of hearing a baby cry.  Of holding a baby close, our baby.  I wake up, and curse the dreamland.
 My friend who studied infant grief says that women who are able to have a baby, after a loss, feel like their insides have finally healed.  Not that the new infant has replaced the one or ones that are in heaven, but just that it helps heal.  Helps heal that feeling of being a failure, of not being strong enough. That those who can not, or do not have another, often feel broken.  For however long it takes to heal.
 And that's how I feel.