Christmas Eve

  Mom is here.  Well, she's my mother in law.  I don't have much of a relationship with my mother.
Anyhow, she's here and was a great surprise to the kids.  They are thrilled, and I admit, I am happy as well.  It's been too long.
  So.....
Christmas Eve

   The stockings are not hung, by the mantel, as we don't have one, but shall be laid out with the gifts, under the tree in the morning.  There are a few gifts to wrap yet, and to be honest, the kids had only asked for a few, so I think they will be surprised, at the few extra they find.  Not that gifts make Christmas, but if I'm not able to find the two things they want the most, then...I remember, as a child, some Christmas', wishing I could have traded the few gifts I received, for just that one I had really wanted.

  But, that is then, and this is now.  I do feel melancholy, as I do each Christmas.  Just a bit, mind you.  I don't know, it just creeps up, when I start thinking about certain things.  Today, the song, "O Holy Night", came on and brought me to tears.  I could not stop thinking of both my grandfather, whom I feel truly accepted me for who I was, and our lost baby.

  So....
  Christmas Eve is here.
 I'm enjoying watching, "A Christmas Story", which I think is pretty funny.
And I'm wishing all my friends and family,
 a wonderful Christmas.

Who Santa Isn't

  Well, my Santa lie came back to bite me.  A little.  One of my kids asked me today, that if Rudolph wasn't real, why was Santa?  The answer came about as we read stories before bed.  We read,
How the Grinch Stole Christmas
The Little Drummer Boy
Charlie Brown's Christmas

 Now, I do have issues with the Grinch.  Mainly, that he Steals everything from the Who's, and there is no reprecution.  So, it's okay to steal, and not get into trouble?  Even after he brings everything back?  That's sure some forgiveness on the Who's part.  But, in the end, he gets it right.  Christmas, is not about Santa and gifts, ribbons and trappings.  It's about something greater.  Something the Who's rejoice in, despite the fact they wake up to empty houses.
   In the Drummer Boy-he is poor.  Leading the song are the Magi, which led to a side discussion of their story and Jesus' birth.  When we got to the part where he had no gift to bring, my kids pointed out that he played a song, that was a gift of Love.
  That story led to the Charlie Brown Christmas, because we had spoken of the angles appearing to the Magi.   Charlie Brown hates Christmas.  He hates the commercialism that has become it.  It's how I feel.  Christmas feel ruined, a lot the time.  Frankly, I didn't know why we decorated trees or hung garland.  Growing up,  I was told we gave gifts to celebrate Christ's birth, and to replicate the Magi giving gifts.  They stand by it to this day, and would never consider that Christmas was placed on a Pagan holiday.  No way. Anyhow, Linus goes on to explain that Christmas should be about Christ our Lord, peace and good tidings.  Charlie Brown eventually feels better, when his friends come around, as they help him.
   So, did the Santa question get answered?  Not exactly.  I never came out and said there was no guy in a red suit.  But we talked about what Christmas is about-Family and Love and celebrating Christ's birth, even though he was not born on Dec 25th.  About how people become sucked into buying things they do not need, and that it's better to give and help others, who do not have.
   I hope that my kids will have a stronger and better understanding of Christmas as they grow up, instead of being entrapped into the commercialism of it all.

Time

  Well, I'm actually finding it hard, to find time, to blog daily.  I do so much research, that by the end of the day, I haven't composed what I would like to say, if it's about something I'm working on.  So, by this time, I have fragments dancing around, for the most part.  Or, we've just been busy, and I'm tired by the end of the day, and do not want to turn on my pc.
  Take today. I'm wondering why if people do something, they seem to automatically assume, that I will too.  It can be a little annoying.  I'm not of the herd, mindset.  I'm trying to change the world we live in.  No matter how small a step we create, perhaps it will cause waves.
  Or, take the whole Christmas season.  Why are we telling our children that there is a Santa?  And yes, again, I do believe in Santa, just not the guy in the red suit, but as a Christmas Spirit. It's something that even as my kids color pictures of Santa, and watch a holiday cartoon, I try to instill why we as a family celebrate Christmas. But, aren't we still  lying by telling them there is a guy flying around with reindeer? Is it a harmless lie?
  So what do I do?  I mainly just brush off the comments on what people do, unless it's going to pertain directly to me, or I feel a bit strongly about something, and then will proceed to comment. For Christmas, I'm going to enjoy my family, like every year.
  
 

Family Christmas

      A friend mentioned that she loves the holiday season, because it's about family, and that's what makes it so special.  I couldn't agree more, and why I usually love Christmas as well. 

 There are a few that really stand out. 

 There are some I'd like to forget. 

   Last year we traveled across the US to be with our family and friends for the holiday.  It was pretty cool.  We got to play in the snow, and the kids had a blast.  This year, my mother in law will be visiting us.  Which is wonderful, as I miss her, and otherwise we'd be alone for the holiday.  It should be a nice, relaxing holiday.  I'm counting on it, after the year it's been.  We are an almost whole family this year.  I don't feel as broken, and last year, we almost were.  It makes me think of one of my favorite Christmas songs, "O Holy Night", and the lines, "A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices, For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn."  How true it is.  How true it is.

Rudolph..a child's first look into conforming?

   Hmmm, Rudolph may be a nice deer, but the holiday cartoon sure isn't. And at one time in my life I believed it to be okay. I looked forward to watching it as a child. As I grew up, I got it that you are supposed to be nice. And hey, everything works out in the end, right?  But what damage is done?

Tree Traditions?

     We don't have a tree decorating tradition. Growing up, our house didn't have one. I would like to have one.
  My best friend did have a tree tradition, at least I'm pretty sure she did, growing up. And oddly enough, I can't recall the details. I remember getting the tree, placing it in front of the French doors, and that evening we decorated it, as a family. We all had ornaments, and being my first year, I had a few of my own as well. I distinctly remember a moose, of all things. It was the first ornament that was ever mine. That was the year I lived with them, my other family. Though, by that time, things had changed between us already, and there was a growing distance and conflict. Looking back, I feel like it was that line, of being young and stupid. I'm not positive how much of that was reality, but I do know I pushed them away, which was stupid. That her and I let people and things come between us. Now, over a decade later, we are acquaintances at best. We have miles between us, and not just mountains and streams. At Christmas, I sometimes wonder if they decorate the tree with that moose, or do they keep it packed away, and the memories with it.

Oh Christmas Tree

    Well, we have our tree. It's a rather large tree, but our boys proclaimed in to be, "The Perfect Christmas Tree", and we couldn't refuse. Even though I had my doubts about the size, I was outnumbered three to one. The third being my husband, who was saying that the seven/eight foot trees looked a better size, than the five/six foot ones.
   So, now there is a huge, in my opinion, tree in our living room. It touches the ceiling.  And, it's a very full tree. Unadorned, it looks misplaced. A little lonely.  I know, that once we add on the colorful lights and ornaments, it will look better.  Have a bit of that Christmas magic. Bring those glorious smiles to the faces of our little guys.
   I wish there were three, I really do. If I let myself dwell on it, my chest starts to feel heavy, and my heart seems to crumble. I blink back the tears.  I hope in some of that Christmas magic, that things will be right this upcoming year. That perhaps this emptiness I feel, will be filled with new life.
   Looking at this large tree makes me realize we made a good choice. Because how many years before the amazement of what is, "The biggest tree ever", wears off? Only until they grow so tall, right? It's something I hope they never forget, and will tell their children about one day.

Christmas Begins

       For our family, the Christmas holiday has now begun. The boys are excited about everything this year. They couldn't wait to unwrap all the decorations and put them out. They are impatiently awaiting the day we go pick out a tree. I hear them humming Christmas songs as they color and play. I hear their unrestrained laughter, as they play with garland and snow globes, so free and alive, so innocent.  I don't think there is any sound like the laughter of a child.  Or the look of pure love and happiness that radiates from their faces.  I hope the world never gives them reason to hide who they truly are. An unrealistic idea, perhaps, but not impossible.